(photo caption: me about to battle my enemy, a giant burrito. I lost.)

Whenever something is going wrong I like to point blame. I know that other people like to analyze the situation and then propose solutions, but that’s not my style. I prefer to point blame because every disaster requires a proper shaming.

I have literally spent an hour or so researching this subject, so listen up. Here is a list of every person who has destroyed the environment.

1. Men – Men are most to blame for the disastrous state of the environment. If only us men would eat like women just think of what the world would be like. All meat production would end and we could all subsist upon a salad, a glass of blush wine, and then when no one is watching, some ice cream. But this is not the case. Men are destroying the world. See my picture above.
2. Farmers, Ranchers, Growers – Never mind that these people actually make or grow something. Forget that consumers won’t pay more than $2 per pound for beef, these bastards use the land to make money. They are like the earth’s pimps. It wouldn’t be so bad, except that they insist on getting better at their jobs, growing more and more food from the same land. How much more can mother earth take? They should stop before all of the starving people are fed.
3. Smart People - Smart people think that they are so cool, well you know what, if you were so smart you would figure out a way to let everyone know how to save the environment and you would format the discussion in a way that people would listen to. Until you do this, I just refuse to believe you are really that smart.
4. The Uneducated – There is no excuse for not knowing about the environment. So what if the education they received as a youth didn’t include anything about the environment? So what if much of the information available today is provided by people with alternative agendas? Uneducated people don’t know what they are talking about. They piss me off.
5. Poor People – Even worse than the uneducated are the poor. These people have no hope, because even if they knew what to do, they don’t have the money to do it. Why can’t they just save-up their money until they can make a difference? I mean, you would only have to trade about 4 days worth of mac and cheese and Hamburger Helper to feed your family a meal of brown rice, free range chicken and organic broccoli.
6. Rich People – Rich people really stink. They use more resources than anyone. Think about all those private jets flying everywhere, all of the giant cars, stupid clothes, and all of the blood that is spilled to mine their diamonds. The worst part is, they buy those things to impress the little people, people like me. Well, guess what, I’m not impressed you selfish jerks.
7. Businesses – It is all the fault of businesses. They advertise their products so that people buy the products so that they have to manufacture their products. When this happens they destroy the earth. How much simpler can it be, people. It is so obvious.
8. Pets – I just read that a medium sized dog eats 1,000 calories a day. That is nuts. My wife doesn’t even eat 1,000 calories a day and she actually does stuff and is nice to talk to. Also, when I kiss my wife it isn’t all hairy on her face. Your pet is killing the earth!
9. Old Stuff is killing us. Old cars spew emissions, old appliances are inefficient, old houses leak hot and cold air. Old dogs don’t learn new tricks, you can’t eat old food, and if you spend $400 on a bottle of old wine you might just get some vinegar which you have to dump down the drain, polluting the water supply. Old stuff is killing us.
10. New Stuff is killing us. New things always plug into the wall. New cars go too fast, new gadgets make you throw away your old gadgets, new TV’s are bigger, new foods have too many preservatives, the newspaper industry is failing, and New Jersey smells funny. New stuff is killing us.
11. Killing Germs is killing us. By killing bacteria and viruses we are selectively breeding stronger and stronger bacteria. Soon these super bacteria are going to be big enough to bust into our yards and push our children off of their bikes. Stop being so safe people. Just left a few diseases pass and fully infect our children. Pneumonia never killed… Well, maybe not pneumonia.
12. Healthy People. The real reason that all of us should be investing in cases of sunblock and storing drinking water is those damned healthy people. It used to be that people just died. Dead people weren’t as draining on the atmosphere, so that left resources for the rest of us. Unfortunately dying has gone out of favor. It’s too bad, because if only other people would die, the world would be better off (for us).